Lensbaby fun

Although the environment and my wallet appreciate it, it is in some ways unfortunate that I make a point to avoid commuting long distances as much as possible, because I often have useful conversations with myself while I am driving; I think it’s something to do with flow. These are conversations wherein I come to realizations about my personality, or ask myself why I seem to choose to focus on the wrong things, like anger or resentment. I ask myself why I continually sabotage even the smallest goals I am working towards. I wonder why I have such a hard time remembering the simplest things: is it because I am never living in the moment with full concentration and focus, or is it because I am definitely headed for dementia or alzheimers when I get older? Eeek.

I also, on occasion, invent fun songs that let me vent rage, disdain for ms!h%rfp$k*ing stupid drivers on the road, and other negative emotions.

Anyway, last week I gave myself another reminder of how I am continually self-sabotaging; I ate something and it made me sick, and I knew it would, but I ate it anyway. The story of my life. I’m so tired of this circle, and when Monday of this week rolled around, I reset my self. It’s now Friday… and I feel decent. I still recall sitting on the couch (last week) with a stomachache and thinking, “I knew I would feel this way when I ate those chocolates, so why did I do it anyway? I’m not a five year old child, I’m a 31 year old adult… right? RIGHT?!” Admittedly, I was totally PMS-ing, but still, I’m sure I could have found another way to manage the bone-deep exhaustion and depression.

Ever since turning to a primal-style diet, I have really noticed how badly my mind and body react whenever I fall off the wagon. A little too much of the wrong carbohydrate here or there and my emotional levels are derailed, going all over the place, generally into extreme irritability, frustration, and [yet more] anger. I feel ill, bloated, and sluggish. I get zits. My digestion seems to rebel. And worse, I resent and even dislike myself. It’s self-abuse.

In another area of my life, a lot of negativity, hatred, resentment, and anger are building up and starting to affect my ability to get out of bed in the morning. It exhausts me to no end. Because of this poisonous situation, I feel lifeless and inert by the end of each day, as if I had actually been inhaling some harmful toxic substance all day long. I’m starting to wonder what truly matters to me: do I walk away, or accept that there is a good chance the negativity and poison will begin to manifest in my body… or is there another option?

The outcome of all of this is that I feel drained and unable to feel truly alive. Life is such an amazing gift, and yet I can’t find the energy to appreciate it. It amazes me how quickly time passes. I can wake up on a Monday morning and tell myself, “I will exercise today,” and get to Friday and have said the same thing to myself on each day in the interim without having done it. Life is short, and I am noticing this more and more with each passing day, but I often can’t find the energy to step up to the activities of living a worthwhile life.

Then I got this [amazing] idea from Tina Su’s recent post on goal-setting; I have read her post several times, and keep it saved in my inbox for further re-reads. Tina suggested that instead of making a huge number of unattainable resolutions, we pick a theme word that encompasses our goals, and then ensure that our day to day activities bring us closer to that overarching goal. I won’t explain it in great detail, and recommend instead that you read her article. The result of this gem of an article is that I’m setting myself a goal to combat the above-noted bullshit.

It’s a simple goal: vitality.

I want to do the things I tell myself I should do every day, but rarely do, all in the name of my goal of increasing my vitality. I want vitality to permeate all aspects of my life. Some of the ways I can work towards my goal are to:

• Do physical activity. It doesn’t have to be hardcore, just as long as I have at least moved! And stretch more, I love the way I feel after I do it, but I often forget to take five minutes every couple of hours to move my body around.
• Practice belly dancing more regularly, since it gives me so much pleasure, and makes me feel alive and womanly.
• Consistently eat primal. It just works for me, and I’ve proven it to myself over and over again.
• No more binges on things that make me sick. I use the term “no more binges” judiciously. If I want to eat a piece of chocolate (or some other treat), I can. But just one or two. Not four… or eight. Because four — or eight –  chocolates means nausea and the insulin spike and crash. One or two  means a happy little treat. Today, I ate half of a carrot cupcake with cream cheese frosting, but just half. And that was enough. And it wasn’t even that good of a cupcake, so I feel like I wasted a better treat opportunity, but whatever. The portion restraint was appreciated by my body.
• Focus on the positive; when negative situations/events arise, instead of allowing the ever-present rage and resentment to flow up and then to vent it or to obsess over it, I’d like to take a mental step back, release, and detach. I don’t suggest repression in any way, but I often have a mantra that works for me when I am driving to/from work and I get irritated at the retarded drivers on the road, “Stop creating your own suffering.” Whenever I hear that, I realize that whatever emotion I am going through is my deal, and not the rest of the world’s. Even if they are slow, stupid drivers! I just need to bring that mantra from my car to the rest of my life.
• Gratitude. I’ve been doing that this week and it gives me a smile every time I take a moment to be thankful for my little cat-babies, my boyfriend, my family, my friends, and I’m even thankful to the sun for shining (we have had a stunningly mild and gorgeous winter this year — I’m thankful for that, too!)
• Bring my camera with me everywhere (and use it).
• Buy flowers each week. Flowers are one of my greatests joys in life.
• Dress up more. I’ve gotten really lazy and slobby about my day to day attire, and I think it’s affecting me in ways other than merely ensuring physical comfort.
• … do whatever else gets me to vitality!

That seems like a huge laundry list of stuff to do, but I’m not going to keep track of the list. I’m simply going to think, “In this moment, I want to increase my sense of vitality: what can I do to achieve this?” The right actions will naturally follow. I will not tell myself I have to do any or all of these every day. I’m just going to ask that question. The answer is never going to be, “watch more TV,” or “surf the internet,” or “eat some bread,” so I know I’m in good hands.

Wow, do you see what just happened there? I admitted that I am capable of making myself happy.

Tags: goals, primal life, Think Simple Now, vitality